Cross Points 5/15

Things Pastors Hear

Pastors, the ministers who preach and lead, as well as the pastors (elders/shepherds) who provide oversight to the local church, can sometimes be told some odd things by the people who make-up the church.  Like any group of people, those who make up a church body come in all assortment of personality and background, providing some interesting statements.  Here are a few messages that   were shared with Pastors, provided by Thom Rainer who does church research:

“Will you bless me divorcing my husband, so I can marry a convicted murderer?  God told me to do it.”  (Sounds like double jeopardy to me.)

“Pastor, what is your view on Christian missions in space?”  (Space, the final frontier!  Captain Kirk to Pastor Spock, is this mission logical?)

After a surgery… “Pastor, will you pray for me to pass gas?”  (Pastor, “Will you give me 5 minutes to get some distance away before I pray?”)

“Pastor, I’d like for you to come see my display of nude art.”  (Hey, must be an Italian.)

During the offertory… “Hey Pastor Bill, do you have change for a ten?”  (A cheerful giver.)

To the worship leader after a service… “Here’s the bulletin.  You’ll see I graded each song listed based on how worshipful it was.”  (Worship leader to submitter… “Here’s the bulletin.  I’ve graded how many songs you actually sang, and the number of frowns per song.”)

“Can we put the children’s moment back in the program?  I know we don’t have any children in the service, but the old folks like it.”  (And my spiritual maturity only goes so far.)

“Pastor, I used to be a warlock.” (Hopefully that was before he became a deacon.)

“Pastor, there is no toilet tissue in the women’s restroom.”  (Wonder what they’d say if they found the Pastor in the women’s restroom replacing the tissue?)

“Pastor, my husband’s ashes are in two different places, will Jesus be able to find him?”  (Done deal.)

“Pastor, I had aliens visit me.  Is God OK with that?”  (Maybe they were Jehovah’s Witnesses.)

“Pastor, is it OK to lie if I ask for forgiveness in advance?” (No, you must lie first for it to be OK.)

“Pastor, I have the spiritual gift of extortion!”  (He may need to be exhorted about this.)

“Pastor, please pray for me to win big, I’m going to Las Vegas!”  (Then during offering he’ll be asking the Pastor to change a ten.)


Cross Point: Finally, “Pastor, will you come to my house and help my husband get out of the toilet?”  Unfortunately, from a spiritual perspective, the Pastor has plenty of experience with this.